After the race...

On Sunday, once the race was over I did not have a runner's high. I did not feel accomplished. I was not pleased. I was feeling disappointed, defeated, deflated, discouraged and it took all I had not to cry like a baby. I felt like 26.2 had beat me. 

I was having a huge internal struggle. I was receiving such lovely messages from friends/family about how proud they were, how inspiring and amazing I am. I cannot count the amount of congratulations I received. Each message made me smile & cry a little more, but inside I felt as if I'd failed. I didn't complete the race within the 6 hours. I didn't get a finishing time, even though, yes I finished. 

I seen this photo the other day and it hit the nail right on the head:

What do I mean? 

"The pain of the process is only temporary 

but the feeling of achievement lasts forever"

That 'feeling' was missing for me, but every thing else was there and my supporters were AMAZING. I personally didn't have that feeling of achievement and that's a feeling I crave. I was upset. It was hard to say "Thank you" to everyone when I had let myself down and in a sense felt as if I'd let them down too, although I know I did not. I did however, let ME down.

It's a feeling I'm familiar with to tell you the truth. When I was growing up, I used to feel like this 'golden child' the one who never got in trouble and her siblings hated this. The truth was I did get in trouble sometimes & I was NO golden child. When people would comment about me I felt as if they'd put me up on a pedestal I didn't deserve or desire to be placed upon. I am no angel. I am not perfect, have no desire to be. It is my imperfections that make me who I am and challenge me to become a better person, a better athlete. 

So those first few hours after the race I was feeling pretty darn low and undeserving of everyone's wonderful, sweet, and heartfelt messages. But then, I went to sleep, I woke up and...

...I got pissed off!

Not at my supporters! 
Not completely at myself! 
But at 26.2!!! 

The more I thought about it, the way it left me feeling, the lack of satisfaction...the angrier I got. I wasn't sure what to do with those feelings at that point, wasn't sure if I should voice them... 

I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to attempt 26.2 again, but at the same time I wasn't real sure I could just sit back and let it leave me feeling unsatisfied, unaccomplished. So I decided I would conquer 26.2 before I die. Then I continued to think...

Thinking is dangerous. You end up doing CRAZY things.

My friend Darla posted a message about a marathon near her. I told her, "You are Crazy!" A few days later I messaged her: "Alright, tell me about this marathon." Her response: "That's what I'm talking about Tonya!!! Woop! Woop!" haha - she is nuts, by the way. 

Not long after that I searched UTI's and Running, the two are common partners and you should not run long hard runs with a uti unless you want to experience a relapse. Which is what happened to me. I went to the Dr. after returning from Paris and got another, stronger antibiotic. I sent my husband a message about it all and he said, "Yep. Probably wasn't a smart move." I told him I thought that is why I was in so much pain. Then I had to laugh when he text back, "Guess that means you're gonna do it again sometime". That man knows me so well! :) I do love him!

So, I'd admitted this to a couple of people and was thinking to myself...my trainer is gonna kill me!!! Then yesterday I received a message from him with a photo of these "skins", compression clothing for sports. With it was a message that said, "For your next run!" Even my trainer knew I wasn't satisfied or going to just sit back and accept it! 

Am I that easy to figure out??? haha Seriously?! :)

So yes, I may have thought NEVER again at mile 19 (but I always say, you should never, say never) and I may have allowed 26.2 to leave me feeling lower than dirt, but you know what? I'm not staying there! It doesn't matter if you fall...all that matters is that you get back up! And now, I've a personal score to settle with 26.2 and I will not walk away feeling less than satisfied again. I will not walk away feeling discouraged or defeated a second time. I refuse. 

So there you have it. Yes, I will visit 26.2 again and I just pray that my supporters will be there again because without them I know I would have felt a million times worse. Without them, I may not have finished or have the courage to try again. If you run, and you do not have supporters - GET SOME!

Now, if y'all could do me a favor and pray for my husband and my Mama, I'd appreciate it. Every time I sign up for a new event I scare David & my Mama had a difficult time with my first marathon...so they are gonna be needing those prayers. Thanks y'all. 

And I know this sounds a bit like a depressing post, but it's not, I promise. I'm not depressed. I'm no longer mad. I'm simply a woman on a mission. 

Next Post: Supporters - A must read!